Little Shop of Horrors for Dummies
by The Lark
Summary: For when you're too busy to watch the real thing. Movie-based
1. Part I

****

LSOH for Dummies

__

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just enjoy laughing at it. Sue me if you want, but all you'll get out of it is a battered laptop, a cookie jar full of pennies, and my collection of antique crochet hooks.

Random Disembodied Voice: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...oops, can I start over? (_clears throat_) In a time period that I am too cryptic to name outright, but bears a suspicious resemblance to the early 1960's, the planet was invaded by terrifying space creatures!

(_Zoom in on an oldies trio dressed in puffy polka-dot dresses)_

Viewers: AAAAAAAGH!

Jazzy Narrator #1: Not us, idiots!

Jazzy Narrator #2: And I'll have you know these clothes were very fashionable back in the six...er, back in a decade not too long before your own

Jazzy Narrator #3: (_facepalm) _Let's just move the show along, already. The space invader is over there, in the flower shop.

Viewers: ...

Jazzy Narrators: Stay tuned, it's really much better than it sounds

Mushnik: (_whacks Seymour over the head with a broom_) You'll work a hundred and twenty hours a week in exchange for a cot in my basement and like it, ingrate! Now go sweep the floor.

Seymour: Y-yes, sir! (_meekly obeys, singing softly to himself_)

There is a castle on a cloud

I like to go there in my sleep

Aren't any floors for me to sweep

Not in my castle on a cloud...

Audrey: (_enters_) Hiya, sorry I'm late

Mushnik: (_pats her on the back cheerfully_) Aw, don't worry about it, kid, nobody's perfect (_concerned_) Say, you've got a bruise on your face, are you all right?

Seymour: (_falls on his face_)

Mushnik: You worthless moron, you broke my flowerpots, and you're getting your blood all over my floor! (_whacks Seymour with the broom again_)

Seymour: Sorry, sir (_begins cleaning the floor and singing again)_

It's the hard-knock life, for us

It's the hard-knock life, for us...

Audrey: (_blushes and giggles_) Hi, Seymour

Seymour: (_blushes and giggles_) Hi, Audrey, you look radiant today

Audrey: Aw, you're a sweet guy, Seymour. If I were single, I'd snatch you right up

Mushnik: Yeah, it's too bad you're tied down to that abusive, sadistic drug addict with no redeeming qualities to his name.

Jazzy Narrators: You can probably see where this subplot's headed. Time to establish the setting!

****

A grungy looking alley outside the flower shop:

Vocally Gifted Extras: This neighborhood is oppressive and does not facilitate self-actualization

Seymour: (_abruptly drops his broom and wanders outside_) Yep, I think so too

Audrey: (_randomly wanders along after him) _Ditto

Seymour: I'd really like to blow this Popsicle stand

Audrey: Ditto

Mushnik: (_chases after them_) Hey, where do you two think you're going? Quit singing and get back to work!

****

Back in the shop:

(_Mushnik, Seymour, and Audrey sit around sleeping while they wait for a customer to show up)_

Mushnik: I may as well close this dump, I'm never going to see any profits!

Seymour: Well, it's your own fault. Paying two full-time clerks to spend the day sleeping isn't a very efficient use of your available funds. You could have saved that money for advertising, or moving to a new location. Why would anybody open a flower shop in the middle of the ghetto in the first place?

Mushnik: (_whacks Seymour with the broom again_)When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!

Audrey: I think what Seymour means to say, is that he'd like to show you the strange and interesting new plant he's been working on.

Seymour: Huh? Oh, right (_brings out something that looks like a cabbage on a stick)_

Mushnik: What the hell is that?

Seymour: Beats me. I've been calling it Audrey II

Audrey: After me? (_blushes and giggles_) Aw, Seymour, you're so sweet! If only I wasn't tied down to that abusive, sadistic drug addict.

Mushnik: What does it do?

Seymour: I dunno

Mushnik: Where'd it come from?

Seymour: Beats me

Mushnik: How is it going to help us?

Seymour: (_shrug) _I thought maybe if we rubbed it, it would grant us wishes (_begins to rub the plant)_

Mushnik: Wrong Menken musical, kid

(_Customers miraculously flood the shop)_

Mushnik: Well, what do you know? It works!

Customer: Hey, what's that?

Seymour: Magic cabbage

Customer: Cool! Where'd you get it?

Seymour: Well, I--

Jazzy Narrators: DA-DOO!

Seymour: AGH! Who are you?!

Jazzy Narrators: Don't mind us, we're just the Greek chorus

Seymour: Oh. (_a beat_) Okay. Well, as I was saying, the plant inexplicably materialized in an otherworldly flash of green light during that freak eclipse last week. Oh, but I'm sure there's nothing sinister about it.

Customer: Um, right. Here's a hundred bucks. Maybe you can use it to pay for some therapy.

Mushnik: And the money came rolling in from every side!

****

The flower shop at closing time:

Audrey: Well, I'd love to stick around and celebrate, but I have a date with my abusive, sadistic, drug-addict boyfriend. Later, dudes!

Mushnik: (_shakes his head_) She should really dump that guy. Abusive behavior should never be tolerated.

Seymour: I agree, sir

Mushnik: Shut up, you miserable little worm! (_whacks Seymour with that pesky broom again_) Now go down to the basement and weed the magic cabbage!

A dreary basement apartment that appears to have no bathroom:

Seymour: Aw, Twoey, I wish I could figure out how to make you grow. I know! I'll sing you a lullaby! How do you feel about retro-60's doo-wop music?

Audrey II: (_gets fed up and bites Seymour's finger)_

Seymour: Ow! Okay, okay, I'll sing you some alternative rock instead.

Audrey II: (_drinks Seymour's blood)_

Seymour: Oh, so you're vampiric? Well, no matter. I'm still sure there's nothing sinister about you. (_calmly squeezes blood into the mysterious vampire plant's maw._)

A radio station full of weirdos

John Candy: I'M SO VERY WEIRD! ! !

Seymour: Er...okay, then.

John Candy: So where'd you get the magic cabbage?

Seymour: Well, you remember that total eclipse of the sun about a week ago?

Jazzy Narrators: DA-DOO!

Seymour: AGH! (_jumps, startled_) Why do you three keep following me around? !

****

Back at the flower shop:

Mushnik: (_sitting by the radio) _That kid and his cabbage are such great advertising!

Audrey: Hi, sorry I missed your advertising ploy, but I was busy getting smacked around by...

Mushnik: (_waves her off , looking tired) _...your abusive, sadistic, drug-addict boyfriend, right, right.

Jazzy Narrator #1: Honey, it may surprise you to hear this, but that abusive, sadistic drug-addict of yours is bad news

Jazzy Narrator #2: Yeah, you need to find yourself a new man.

Jazzy Narrator #3: How about that cute little nerd who's always following you around and treating you like a queen? (_hint, hint_)

Audrey: You mean Seymour? (_laughs uneasily_) That's the craziest thing I ever heard! I can't believe you're suggesting that Seymour and I should fall in love, get married, run away to an idyllic suburban paradise, and live happily ever after with 2.3 children and a little white picket fence. Hah, hah, hah.

Jazzy Narrators: (_stare quizzically)_

Audrey: Um, I have to go now (_runs off nervously_)

Audrey's apartment:

Audrey: Okay, don't tell the narrators, but I like to daydream about Seymour and I falling in love, getting married, running away to an idyllic suburban paradise, and living happily ever after with 2.3 children and a little white picket fence.

Viewers: Aw!

__

A/N: Sorry to end it here, but I've got a term paper due on Friday. I'll be back with the second half soon!


	2. Part II

__

Part II

****

The roof over Audrey's apartment:

Jazzy Narrators: So, for those of you who slept through the last half hour of this movie, let's recap. Seymour was a pathetic loser with no future until he found that magic vampire cabbage--

Seymour: (_hurls a rock at the roof_) Knock it off, I'm trying to give my plant its midnight feeding, and it'll never get back to sleep if you don't quiet down! (_heats his finger in a pan of warm water and sticks it in Audrey II's mouth, then picks up a storybook_) "And the beans Jack's mother had thrown out the window grew into an enormous beanstalk as tall as the sky..."

****

The flower shop some time later:

(_Customers file into the store to goggle at the now-enormous Audrey II)_

Seymour: I don't feel so good (*_thunk*_)

Mushnik: (_whacks Seymour with the broom_) You pathetic sack of crap, just because you've single-handedly saved this franchise from certain bankruptcy, don't think you've earned the right to stand still for a few minutes!

Seymour: (_dizzy and disoriented_) Huh?

Mushnik: (_gives him one last whack_) Go deliver these flowers

Audrey: You look awfully pale, Seymour. I hope Mushnik didn't give you another concussion. Call me crazy, but I think sometimes he's too hard on you.

Seymour: Naw, it's not his fault. I have the low self-esteem of a self-defined victim, and a innate tendency to draw unwanted attention from abusive personalities.

Audrey: Kind of like me with my abusive, sadistic, drug-addict boyfriend

Jazzy Narrators: Looks like you two were made for each other

****

The dental office from Hell

Orin: (_rides in on a motorcycle) _I make sadism look wicked cool!

Jazzy Narrators: Damn straight

Orin: (_walks into his exam room and picks up a giant drill_) Open wide, sucker!

Terrified Patient: But I just came in for a cleaning!

Orin: Shut up! (_psychotic laughter)_

Terrified Patient: I can't believe that stupid HMO keeps making me come to this guy!

Investigator: (_enters_) Dr. Scrivello, I'm from the American Dental Association. I've come to investigate 12,375 alleged violations of the ADA Code of Ethics--

Orin: (_throws the investigator into a dentist's chair and jams a chisel into his mouth_) Don't talk with your mouth full, punk!

****

Skid Row, behind the flower shop

Seymour: Where's that psychotic laughter coming from?

Orin: (_flies in on his motorcycle_) Hey, kid.

Seymour: Wow, Sirius Black, right here on Skid Row! Can I have your autograph?

Audrey: No, Seymour, this is my boyfriend

Seymour: The abusive, sadistic drug addict you're always talking about?

Orin: That's me. The psychotic laughter didn't tip you off?

Audrey: Well, we'd better get moving

Orin: (_whacks Audrey with a 2x4_) Who asked you, you worthless skank? (_psychotic laughter_)

Seymour: Uh...he seems nice. Have a good evening

Orin: (_psychotic laughter_) Not if I have anything to say about it! (_whack_)

****

Inside the flower shop:

Seymour: (_sigh_) You should see the way he treats her, Twoey. She deserves a prince, not a gratuitously violent nut job like him. Well, at least we've got each other, huh?

Audrey II: Are you coming on to me?

Seymour: Twoey, you can talk?

Audrey II: Brilliant deduction, Sherlock, now shut up and feed me

Seymour: But...you're a plant. Where did you learn to talk?

Audrey II: I took a class at the YMCA, what do you care? Can we move on?

Seymour: I'm sorry, but this is just too trippy. I mean, plants aren't supposed to talk. Or move. Or sing upbeat Motown standards. I really think I should have you examined by a qualified professional--

Audrey II: (_curls its vines around a broom and whacks Seymour over the head with it_) You're stalling the plot! Haven't you ever heard of a little thing called "suspension of disbelief"?

Seymour: (_meekly rubs his battered head_) Yes, sir.

Audrey II: Now, as I was saying, if you feed me, I'll make it worth your while. I can offer you fortune and fame, love and money, and instant acclaim.

Seymour: Ooh, tell me more

Audrey II: All you've got to do is go kill someone so that I can drink their blood.

Seymour: I am still sure there is nothing sinister about you. But I don't know of anyone who deserves to die such a hideous, gruesome death

Orin: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Seymour: Oh, right

****

The dental office from Hell, the next day

Orin: (_psychotic laughter_)

Arthur Denton: I think I love you

Orin: Shut up (_jams shoehorns, eyelash curlers, and a pizza cutter into Denton's mouth_)

Arthur Denton: (_psychotic laughter_)

Orin: I'm the only one who's supposed to laugh psychotically in this office! Get out!

Seymour: (_disturbed_) I don't even want to know

Orin: (_inhales gas_) Open wide so I can rip out your teeth with my rusty drill!

Seymour: (_thinking_) I don't know about this. Maybe I should be polite and wait to shoot until after he's done torturing me...

Orin: (_inhales gas_) Uh-oh, I think I'm asphyxiating (_thunk_)

Seymour: (pause) Well, that was incredibly convenient

****

Back at the flower shop:

Seymour: (_dragging Orin's corpse_) Okay, I killed the crazy dentist just like you asked

Audrey II: Good, now take him out back and chop him into little pieces

Seymour: (_scratches his head, perplexed_) But what about the legions of homeless people that live out there? Someone's bound to see me. This is suicide! Couldn't you just chew him up with those enormous, razor-sharp teeth you keep flashing at me?

Audrey II: (_whacks him with the broom_) Shut up and do as you're told!

Seymour: Yes, sir (_drags the corpse into the alley_)

Mushnik: Ah, nothing like a leisurely stroll through the ghetto in the middle of the night! But wait, what's that ominous shadow on the wall? It looks like a crazed murderer hacking at a dead body with a rusty ax. Well, the only sensible thing to do is go over and say hello (_peers through the gate_)

Seymour: (_wipes a vile mixture of blood and gore off his glasses_) I am still sure there is nothing sinister about this

Mushnik: Eep!

Audrey II: Mmmm, tastes like chicken!

****

The next morning:

Seymour: (_shudder_) I want my mommy

Audrey: (_talking to a police officer_) What's that? The abusive, sadistic drug addict who spent every minute of every day tormenting me is dead? (_bursts into tears_)

Seymour: (_confused_) What are you crying for? Shouldn't you be relieved?

Audrey: (_sniffle_)I'm complex, damn it! I feel like this is my fault

Seymour: Aw, don't blame yourself, Audrey. After all, I'm the one who stood by and watched him slowly asphyx--(_bites his tongue_)

Audrey: What'd you say, Seymour?

Seymour: Uh, what I meant to say is, don't waste any more time thinking about that creep. After all, now you're free to find a new guy. Maybe a nice guy who can bring you lots of flowers (_coughs pointedly_)

Audrey: Huh?

Seymour: You may as well just give in now. I mean, you're a beautiful woman with a troubled past, and I'm your sensitive, non-threatening male friend. We're bound to end up together sooner or later.

Audrey: Are you coming on to me?

Seymour: I've been coming on to you since the first scene of this movie. You mean you're just now noticing?

Audrey: Seymour, my boyfriend died twelve hours ago! I couldn't possibly get involved with another man this quickly...unless he were to make his point with a catchy ballad.

Seymour:

No more talk of darkness

Forget these wide-eyed fears

I'm here, nothing can harm you

My words will warm and calm you!

Audrey: Eh, close enough (_kisses Seymour_)

(_When they break apart, it is suddenly dark outside_)

Seymour: (_confused_) Now how did that happen?

Audrey: Hey, maybe it's like the Clapper! (_she kisses him again, and the sun comes back out_)

Seymour: Cool!

****

Back at the flower shop:

Seymour: (_plucks leaf after leaf from Audrey II's vines_, _grinning idiotically_) She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me, she loves me not.

Audrey II: If you don't knock it off, I swear to pod I'll eat that girl

Mushnik: (_walks in, looking frightened and suspicious_) I know your deep dark secret, Krelborn! You're an ax murderer!

Seymour: If you really think that, why did you come alone, to confront me in a deserted store? Why not just call the cops on me?

Mushnik: (_whacks him with a broom_) Shut up and put your hands in the air!

Audrey II: Well, that's my cue (_opens up expectantly_)

Mushnik: Why do you keep looking over my shoulder and cringing?

Seymour: Because there's a giant vampire cabbage standing behind you

Mushnik: (_turns around_, _peering into the plant's slimy jaws_) Ew, nasty!

Audrey II: (_wounded_) I know my teeth are overdue for a whitening treatment, but you don't have to be so insulting! Just for that... (_chomp!_)

Seymour: (_pensive_) Hmmm

Audrey II: What?

Seymour: For a second there, I thought I sensed something sinister about you. I'm sure it was probably just my imagination, though

Jazzy Narrators: Montage break!

Seymour: (_groans_) Not you guys again!


	3. Part III

__

Part III

****

The flower shop:

(_Screaming fangirls swarm all over Seymour_)

Fangirl #1: I love you, Seymour! Can I have your autograph?

Fangirl #2: You and your giant cabbage are my idols!

Seymour: Jeez, don't you people have anyone better to stalk?

Reporter: You da man, Krelborn! We bow before your astounding ability to weed and water freaky looking vegetables.

Audrey II: This is making me sick (_faints_)

Reporter: (_stares at the wilting plant_) What's up with that?

Seymour: I DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER ANY MORE OF YOUR QUESTIONS! I KNOW MY RIGHTS, MAN! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

Audrey: (_whacks Seymour with a broom_) Chill, baby

Seymour: Eep! (_runs outside_) !

Audrey: What the hell are you talking about?

Seymour: Marry me, baby!

Audrey: That was random and totally confusing...but okay!

Seymour: Yay!

****

Back at the flower shop later that day:

Seymour: (_tiptoes past the collapsed Audrey II with a suitcase in his hand_)

Audrey II: Feed me!

Seymour: (_sigh_) I knew I should've just gone out the back door.

Audrey II: (_whacks Seymour with the broom_) Shut up and do it

Seymour: No way, José

Audrey II: So what's your plan, then? Were you just going to go skipping off to your happy ever after and leave a hungry vampire cabbage behind in an unlocked building to terrorize the neighborhood?

Seymour: Gee, when you put it that way, it makes me sound like a real jerk. Oh well. Later! (_waves over his shoulder_)

Audrey II: Well, now that he's out of the way, it's time to have some fun around here! (_picks up the phone_)

Audrey: Yo?

Audrey II: Hey, baby, is your refrigerator running?

Audrey: Nice try, but I'm not falling for that one. Who is this?

Audrey II: This is your boyfriend's pet plant speaking

Audrey: I'm not falling for that one, either

Audrey II: (_waves through the window_)

Audrey: AAAAAH! AAAAH! AAH!

Audrey II: Chill, girl, I was just wondering if you'd be willing to come over and water me.

Audrey: A giant talking cabbage with a maw full of bloodstained fangs wants to see me alone, at night, in a deserted building? (_shrugs_) Sure, I don't see why not.

****

The ominously darkened flower shop:

Audrey: (_gapes_) This is so trippy. M-maybe I should go get my medication adjusted...

Audrey II: Yeah, yeah, just make with the water already (_wraps its tentacles around her legs_) Come on, little lady, be nice!

Audrey: Are you coming on to me?

Audrey II: Enough chit-chat, it's chow time! (_drags her into his mouth_)

Audrey: (_screams and struggles_)

Audrey II: Oh, don't you dare pretend like you're surprised about this. (_munches happily_)

Seymour: (_walks in_) Twoey, you monster! I can't believe you're acting totally in character! (_pries Audrey from the plant's jaws_)

****

The alley behind the flower shop:

Seymour: You okay, hon?

Audrey: I was just eaten by a bloodsucking monster with teeth the size of icepicks. Do you really expect me to say yes?

Seymour: (_cradles Audrey in his arms_) B-b-but you're troubled and beautiful! I'm sensitive and non-threatening! We're supposed to live happily ever after! (_sob_)

Audrey: Seymour, do me a favor. When I die, feed my body to the giant vampire cabbage so that it can stay alive to take care of you.

Seymour: That's really noble of you. I just hope it doesn't end up eating me like it's eaten every other major character in this show.

Audrey: Yeah, well, that probably won't happen this time (_dies_)

****

Back inside:

Seymour: This has got to be the weirdest funeral ever (_miserably places the body in the vampire cabbage's mouth_) Maybe we should say a few words...

Audrey II: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub (_swallows the body whole_)

Seymour: I always knew there was something sinister about you, Twoey! (_runs off crying)_

Audrey II: If I had eyes, I'd be rolling them right now

****

A rooftop:

Seymour: (_prepares to jump_) I do not want to live!

Patrick Martin #1: Then maybe you ought to try jumping off a taller building. In case you haven't noticed, this one is barely two stories tall.

Seymour: Cut me some slack, I'm distraught!

Patrick Martin #1: That explains your disheveled state and the tears pouring down your face. Well, maybe a sales pitch will cheer you up!

Seymour: Come again?

Patrick Martin #1: We want to make a zillion clones of your giant cabbage and distribute them all over the world

Seymour: NOOOOOOO! (_runs away screaming_)

Patrick Martin #1: Jeez, what a psycho

****

Back at the flower shop:

Seymour: I get it now! You're a monster bent on world domination!

Audrey II: Was it the serial murders, the superpowers, or the otherworldly green aura that tipped you off, brainiac?

Seymour: You ate the only thing I ever loved! (_groans_) Dude, that's something nobody should ever have to say

Audrey II: Yeah, well, we've all got problems. (_begins to menace Seymour with various weapons_)

Seymour: (_frantically dodges the murderous plant_) Wait a minute, why am I dodging? Wasn't I suicidal just a second ago?

Audrey II: (_wraps Seymour in vines and drags him into his jaws_) Oh come on, you've got to at least try to get away, or you'll take all the fun out of it. Ah well (_gulp!_)

****

The streets of New York:

Jazzy Narrators: So anyway, after that, the plants went on a rampage and ate pretty much everyone

Audrey II: (_psychotic laughter_)

Screaming crowds: Run for your lives, it's Podzilla!

Viewers: Woah, woah, hold the phone a minute! All the main characters die horrible gruesome deaths, the human race is destroyed, and the sensitive, non-threatening male lead doesn't end up with the cute girl? This ending sucks!

Jazzy Narrator #1: Look, we're trying to reinforce the moral of the story, here

Jazzy Narrator #2: Yeah. Haven't you folks ever heard of irony?

Viewers: We paid ten bucks to see a musical comedy, and we demand fluff, damn it!

Seymour: (_voice echoing from inside Podzilla's mouth_) They've got a point, you should listen to them!

Jazzy Narrators: (_sigh_) Spoilsports...

****

Rewind to the alley behind the flower shop:

Seymour: You okay, hon?

Audrey: Yeah. That gaping wound in my abdomen seems to have shrunk substantially.

Seymour: I'm sorry, Audrey, I'm so sorry! I never dreamed that it would end up attacking anyone _I_ actually cared about.

Audrey: Go figure that one, huh?

Seymour: I just figured you were too shallow to stay with me if I wasn't rich and famous anymore

Audrey: Oh, Seymour, I've always loved you. Didn't you notice all that blushing and giggling during the first half of the film?

Seymour: Baby, you're the greatest!

Patrick Martin #2: Seymour Krelborn, I have a business proposal for you

Seymour: This really isn't the best time.

Audrey: Yeah, in case you haven't noticed, I'm still bleeding, over here.

Patrick Martin #2: But I've got a great idea! I want to make a zillion clones of your giant cabbage and distribute them all over the world.

Audrey: AAAAAAGH!

Seymour: NOOOOOO!

Patrick Martin #2: I knew you'd be thrilled

Seymour: (_chases him down the street with an ax_) Get out or I'll chop you into little pieces like I did to Audrey's boyfriend!

Audrey: Wait, what?

Seymour: Um, nothing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a vampire cabbage to fight

****

Inside the flower shop:

Seymour: I get it now! You're a monster bent on world domination!

Audrey II: Was it the serial murders, the superpowers, or the otherworldly green aura that tipped you off, brainiac?

Seymour: You're not gonna get away with this! I'll fight you!

Audrey II: Woah, when did you grow a spine? (_begins menacing Seymour with various weapons_)

Seymour: (_runs around screaming_) Somehow this confrontation is turning out less heroic than I had planned

Audrey II: Bye bye, Seymour! (_knocks a wall down on Seymour_)

Seymour: (_jabs him with an exposed power cable_) Heh heh heh, fried vampire cabbage is my new favorite veggie!

Audrey: (_alarmed_) Seymour, where are you? Are you okay?

Seymour: Of course. If I wasn't, we'd have another audience riot on our hands

Audrey: Yippee!

****

A tract house, somewhere that's green:

Seymour: (_carries his new wife over the threshold _) I love you, baby!

Audrey: (_kisses Seymour_) I'm so happy!

Jazzy Narrators: DA-DOO!

Audrey: (_screams_) Where did you guys come from?!

Seymour: Don't worry, honey, I'll handle this (_thrusts an envelope at them_)

Jazzy Narrator #1: What's that?

Jazzy Narrator #2: (_opens and reads it_) That little punk! It's a restraining order!

Jazzy Narrator #3: Ingrates!


End file.
